Anger has the capacity to do much damage to human beings. It does not only effect the person who possesses it but also many others who have interactions with the possessor. Anger is basically a human feeling that has a strong urge to retaliate towards a perceived wrong, humiliation or offense. Anger is one of the human emotions and is thus natural. In most of the cases it proves to be negative as it brings about many broken relations and many problems. However, it is not negative all the times.
It can be controlled and through proper anger management it is possible to reduce its negative impacts and may even achieve something positive. Nonetheless, that is not always very easy to control anger and use it wisely; as quoted by Aristotle, “Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.”
People get angry on different matters and each person has its own way of being angry. However, there is one think common in all the angers and that is the sharp hurting difference in what a person expects and what he basically faces as a reality; and a person feels being wronged or offended. Anger can be observed in daily life almost on daily basis. Sometimes we see it in our friends and classmates and at others in our family members.
Anger basically has different stages. It starts with a situation or happening that triggers it. This trigger changes the normal situation and compels a person influenced by it to react. The anger then enters the second stage which is known as the escalation stage. In this stage the anger escalates and the commitment to react becomes firmer. The person starts getting ready to retaliate and take any action that may be possible, not necessarily reasonable.
After escalation the anger then moves to the crisis stage. At this stage the retaliatory action basically takes place. There is always an action that is intended to bring harm to another person in this stage. It is a crisis in a sense that the interactions are at their worst and the human thinking and logical reasoning are that their lowest degree.
As the crisis stage ends, there is recovery stage. The anger then cools down and a person starts reanalyzing the whole situation logically and reasonably. At this stage there is decline from the crisis and blood pressure seems to get normal. Mostly the people, at this stage, repent as they do not find what they did to be reasonable.
The last stage is the stage of depression. Mostly, but not always, a person feels sorry for all that he has done during the crisis stage, which is followed by depression. This cycle completes itself all the times when a person gets angry. However, the anger is not bound to complete the cycle every time it is triggered. There are possibilities of controlling it before it escalates into a crisis. But whenever, it reaches to crisis, it is bound to complete the cycle.
Tonni Morrison, in great hatred of anger, had said, “Anger ... it's a paralyzing emotion ... you can't get anything done. People sort of think it's an interesting, passionate, and igniting feeling —- I don't think it's any of that —- it's helpless ... it's absence of control —- and I need all of my skills, all of the control, all of my powers ... and anger doesn't provide any of that —- I have no use for it whatsoever.” This is bound to happen if anger is not managed appropriately. Fortunately, there are ways of guiding anger towards the better path. Though it is inevitable, it is not unmanageable.
As observed by C. JoyBell C, “Anger is like flowing water; there's nothing wrong with it as long as you let it flow. Hate is like stagnant water; anger that you denied yourself the freedom to feel, the freedom to flow; water that you gathered in one place and left to forget. Stagnant water becomes dirty, stinky, disease-ridden, poisonous, deadly; that is your hate. On flowing water travels little paper boats; paper boats of forgiveness. Allow yourself to feel anger, allow your waters to flow, along with all the paper boats of forgiveness. Be human.”
There are different ways to manage anger. First it is necessary to try to alter the situation or one’s own self both before the anger happens or even during it. A person can take some of the measures that may decrease the chances of serious anger even to be triggered. He can change his bad habits – the habits that may cause others to be angry. He can also ask others to do so but only with respect for others. He can change the view he possesses about the things around him or start analyzing a situation or a conflict from different perspectives so as to have a better understanding of the situation or to know what others think in the situation.
However, the most important thing would be to change the way a person reacts to a situation. Responding anger with anger would always result in a clash that may further deteriorate human relations. Therefore, it is necessary to control the way a person reacts to a situation, especially to a situation that is unfavorable.
The other way is to avoid anger is to avoid some of the avoidable things that may cause disruptions in human relations. It would be better to avoid people who make a person upset and who are the cause of anger for him. But this does not mean to run away from a difficult situation or a conflict when it has already been created; it means to avoid before a situation takes place.
Avoiding one’s “hot buttons” would also be helpful in not letting oneself and others get angry. Moreover, extracting oneself away from a stressful situation would also be helpful, provided that there is no room for someone to do something in the situation and doing something would mean further deteriorating the situation.
Anger can also be reduced by accepting it as a reality and trying to find out the positive aspects of it. There may be an occasion when a person gets angry and gets out of control but at the same time from the same situation he may learn a lesson. The same lesson may bring about changes in his attitude and dealing; it may serve as a valuable experience.
Another way of avoiding anger is to seek higher purpose in life. There are so many occasions when people get angry and get into fight for very pity matters – the matters that do not have much importance and that could be avoided by very little effort. Higher purpose would make a person neglect those minute considerations and the person, as result, would decrease the possibilities of getting angry and getting into fights easily.
According to scientific research and analysis, there are top ten emotional needs that have to be satisfied, in order for a person to act normally as far as emotional life is concerned. These needs include; attention, acceptance, appreciation, support, affection, comfort, approval, encouragement, security and respect. However, this has to be kept in mind that an individual does not have to see for satisfying his own needs alone but rather take care that others also need them and efforts should be made to meet those needs. If these needs are not provided sufficiently or not provided at all there are possibilities that a person may suffer anger and depression.
Human behavior is just like a cup; if the cup is filled with the above mentioned needs, it would overflow with contents of love, care and affection but if it is filled with unfulfilled needs, it would overflow with anger and depression.
Though a person would need to control his anger, sometimes he has to control others who are angry as responding anger with anger would do no good. Therefore, it is necessary to understand how to control others who are angry and whose anger may escalate to a crisis.
When a person has to face someone in a very angry mode, it is necessary to be serious and handle it with care and consideration. Neglecting such a situation would mean inviting a danger. First it is necessary to make the person feel that his views are being heard. For this to happen it is necessary to listen to him carefully and make him realize that he is being listened to and his views are being respected. It is truly quoted by Rachel Naomi Remen, “The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention... A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”
It is also important to increase personal space – giving a person more room to explain and at the same time being careful of the physical space so that the person must not start thinking that a physical contact or fight is being provoked.
As the angry person is getting out of control it is advisable to help him getting control – making him sit down or offering a glass of water or even inviting him for discussion would be helpful in this regard.
Most of the times dispute and anger increase by recalling the past events of conflict; therefore, it is better to keep the angry person more on the current event and avoiding recalling the past. This would be very helpful in concentrating on the main issue and solving it; thus helping the situation to cool down.
Detesting criticism from the one who is angry would do no good; hence, it is better to invite criticism and let him say what he feels or thinks. This can help a person in identifying his fault as well and can provide him an opportunity to overcome the faults in the times to come. Winston Churchill, commenting on criticism, had said, “Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things”.
Sometimes, in an angry dispute, when a person is at fault, it would be better to agree kindly instead of getting personal and too much emotional. Agreeing others when they are right is not a bad habit; rather it is a sign of maturity and a sane mind.
Nonetheless, when it is not possible to agree and the other person is absurd, it would be better to agree to disagree. Implementing a view on others, even if it is right, is not recommendable during an argument and even otherwise. Moreover, setting limits from the very beginning in an argument would be very much beneficial in controlling anger and the situation.
Although there are some suggestions to control the anger, there are no definite rules and techniques that can help in controlling anger. Human behavior is not an exact science and cannot be predicted all the times. However, the techniques mentioned above can be helpful in managing anger to a certain extent. In addition, how those techniques are applied is also important. Understanding the situation better and choosing the best techniques to control the situation depends upon the sanity and maturity of one’s own behavior.
Anger is unavoidable but holding to it is optional and those who hold on to it are at great loss; as said by Buddha, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned”.